Over the course of the past two weeks, I've had four different dreams where I had a baby. There were no labor or pregnancy scenes. The baby was of varying age in each dream. Three of the four -- one little girl. Sweet and precious.
It felt right. And natural to hold a baby and know she was mine.
Last night, I had twins. They had just been born. A boy and a girl. Weirdly, the nurses "named them until I could Benjamin and Rahjima. No idea where that came from. I was struggling to remember the names I like right now.
I could remember Harper for the girl, but could only come up with Mason for the boy (which, I think, I've moved away from). And then I could actually go through the thought process in my dream. "They're both named after authors." And finally I came up with Cooper.
And then the nurse held hands in a circle (perhaps from my watching the season premiere of Big Love before bed) and told me my baby boy had leukemia. I was scared at first, and then, still in my dream, I thought, "they couldn't diagnose leukemia on a two-day-old. He doesn't have that." And that was that.
Obviously baby thoughts have invaded my subconscious. More than I thought.
I started my shots tonight -- 10cc of Lupron to suppress my hormones. Ginger has her baseline U/S on Friday, I go in on Monday.
I know I'll probably never meet her, but I think what's she is doing is amazing.
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