Worlds Colliding

I had a good doctor's appointment yesterday, with several follicles on the low 20s. Tonight is my last night of "jiffy pop" medicine, tomorrow I do the trigger shots at exactly 8pm, Monday morning I have a final fertility massage scheduled, and then Tuesday, Jill is taking me up to Syracuse for retrieval. The final retrieval.

Bubbles will be heading up from Baltimore on Thursday to take me to the transfer, which should be Friday (could be Saturday). She has been saying for two years that I need to go to the doctor drunk on procedure day. "Cuz drunk girls always get pregnant."

I'm giving in. She's bringing a split of champagne, and I will be drinking mimosas in my travel coffee mug. I figure one will get me buzzed, considering I haven't had a drink in several months and haven't gotten properly drunk since Babe's birthday in February.

Even though I heard everything I wanted to do at my appointment, I couldn't shake an image out of me head. Of me pulling up to my brother's house in Richmond, and collapsing in tears in my sister-in-law's arms. I'll be headed there at the end of the month, and I pray that that image doesn't come true.

My eyes kept tearing up, I turned the radio up louder, turned music on, trying to sing along. Nothing could get that image out of my head. Finally, I turned my yoga CD on and listened to the chanting and prayer in that music. It helped a little.

~~~

E was on the air yesterday, and just as I pulled up the webcam, Chris called. It was very strange hearing both of their voices at the same time, hearing Chris talk to me while I watched E. I had to minimize the screen and turn down the volume. It really freaked me out, more than any other time any of my boys have overlapped.

I've stuck to my promise and haven't talked to J. Well, his dog has bone cancer, so I wrote something on his facebook wall about the dog, and the dog only.

I tweeted last night, something to the effect of "yea, the weekend is here" and he responded to that "don't get in trouble, ellie."

I'm happy to say, I totally ignored it. Thought once about responding and closed my computer. He might almost be dead to me.

Of course that's easy to say now, when I've got Chris and E calling, and I'm full of optimism and doing the right thing (for Karma purposes) so that I can get knocked up. But more than ever before, I feel like this time, it's going to stick with J. It will only be professional and platonic.

Chris? Let me work on one at a time.