Heat

I saw Lucia last week for the first time in a month. We talked about E, Chris bring back via telephone, and how J somehow has this pull on me. And she asked me, "what do you want from these guys?"

"Well, I know that J or Chris can't give me a long-term relationship. E's life is complicated as he's going through a painful divorce with small children, so maybe somewhere down the road..."

"Don't tell me what they can't give you. You've known that all along. Tell me what you want from them?"

"Honestly? I want sex."

"You're in heat."

"Excuse me?"

And then she explained her theory. As the very basic level, our bodies are meant to make babies. And by making babies, we have sex. And to make it easier, each month as we get close to ovulation, we become a little more amorous, a little hornier, because that's when we're supposed to have sex to make babies.

My body has all the hormones for making babies. And has -- at all sorts of levels -- for the past two years. And I'm doing all of this with only occasional sex. I'm in heat.

I explained it to Hope the day we went to Syracuse together. She laughed and thought it made all the sense in the world. "Especially when you were getting ready to go meet E, and I was worried about you getting attached, and you said 'this is just about me having sex, nothing more, nothing less.'"

And so my mood has leveled out, more or less.