Each Day Gets a Little Better

My friend Jill picked me up yesterday about 8:30 to head to Syracuse. I managed to make it through Thursday with very few tears. It helped that I was busy at work, even stayed a little later than usual.

My mom met us at the fertility guru's office, and as much as I hated saddling Jill with my mom alone, I really didn't want anyone to go back with me. I got undressed, and listened to how the procedure would go, my instructions for the weekend, and that I would need to come back in about 10 days for a follow-up appointment.

"At that point, if you're ready, we can talk about next steps. But you need to grieve, you need to mourn. This is a loss just like any other."

At that point I started to cry. Who was I kidding when I thought I was all cried out? The IV was in, I signed papers, I answered questions, and then FG came in with a hug. "I'm going to check...."

He pulled the screen around so I couldn't see, and put the ultrasound probe in. "Looks like it did the other day."

And that was that. My embryo was still dead. But soon, it would be out. And I could move on.

Even though I knew the embryo was no longer viable, since Tuesday, I still felt pregnant. All the symptoms, all the feelings. It was like a cruel joke. And amazingly, last night, just a suddenly, I didn't feel pregnant. No hunger around 8:30 while I was lying in bed, reading. No more sore breasts. Like a snap of the fingers, I wasn't pregnant.

I took it easy yesterday, napping, watching TV, pillow on my lap to try to alleviate the cramps. I think I was asleep before 9:00 last night. Today, I stayed busy. Bank, Wegmans, Salvation Army drop-off, post office -- all before 11:00.

I made soup today. And bread. I bought ingredients to make chicken wing dip tomorrow for the Super Bowl. I know I won't feel like going out to watch the game, so I'll stay in. My neighbors might drop in, but other than, it'll be a quiet game for me.

I talked to a couple friends today, and my niece and mom. All calling to check on me. I don't want to hear how strong I am. I don't think of myself as strong. What else am I going to do? I'm not going to quit, I'm not going to stay in bed all day. I'm getting up, I'm doing what I have to do, but I'm not strong.