Dried-Up Eggs

I thought I would be able to post today about my first self-injection of hormones last night, but alas, once again my body is not cooperating in my fertility attempts. I had blood work yesterday morning and what needed to be under 100 was actually at 134. So the doctor had the lab run another test on that blood and she is anticipating that it will be an indication that my ovarian reserve is failing.

I took a deep breath when she told me that I couldn't do the hormone therapy this month and then cried. About an hour later I called her back and asked about donor eggs. She said that we should really wait to see what the FSH numbers come back as, but yes, that's probably a good idea to start thinking that way.

I told her I don't want to waste any more time or money -- I'm not getting any younger, especially if we have to keep putting months off and each sperm donation is almost $800. The goal was for me to have a baby, ideally through my own pregnancy. I could care less is the eggs aren't mine. I just want to be a mom, I want a baby. And if this is the way it has to go, then this is the way to do it.

I thought too late yesterday to call the insurance company to inquire about my infertility coverage and whether it actually covers the cost of donor eggs, since this in fact (unlike my need to purchase sperm) a medical shortfall within my body. And if it's not, then it's still considerably less expensive than adoption, though I know that at some point, I may need to resign myself to that.

But not today. Today there is still hope for maternity clothes and feeling the baby kick. Today there is still hope for a little redhead baby growing inside me. Today there's hope. I just have to remember that when I feel like giving up, when I feel like feeling sorry for myself, and when I feel like it will never happen.